Behind the Smile
by irbfgw
Summary: Beca feels helpless and guilty after loosing it for the Bella's, and responds to it the only way she knows how. Can Chloe help her see that she doesn't need the blade to feel? I do not own Pitch Perfect and trigger warning for cutting and also I swear a lot in this.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One-

She had blown it. She had fucking blown it. The first time in her life that she had ever felt normal, ever felt accepted…and she had walked away from it.

Beca squeezed her eyes shut, forcing herself to stay calm. She was not going to cry. No. Not now. Not when Kimmy Jin could walk back in from whatever Asian thing was going on that night at any minute.

Beca's attempts to hold back tears soon failed and she onto her bed, sobbing.

What did she have to look forward to? The rest of college? A music career that would probably never happen? She just lost all her friends and probably even Chloe…

"I deserve it." Beca whispered, biting her lip. "I'm a terrible person. A fucking deserve all of this…and worse. I deserve pain." She whispered over and over to herself before falling to sleep.

Beca's alarm rang at ten the next morning, but she switched it off the second it beeped. Fuck college. She had only started trying so she could become a DJ, but now that her father was so against it…what was the point?

The Bella's and her dreams were what had kept her going. The Bella's had been like her sisters. But now she had messed up for good and there was no way Aubrey would let her back in.

Beca slept through her first class. Then her second. Around three her cell phone rang. Beca ignored it and fell back asleep until the pain of her memories entered her dreams as well. The disappointment on Chloe's face. The hurt on Jesse's, who has become like to her…all her fault, just like everything else.

Beca sat up and checked the time. 3:30. Kimmy Jin's last class ended at five. She had time.

Beca's cell phone rang again, but she didn't have time to spare. She needed to do something-anything-just to make sure she was still able to feel. Something to make her feel anything other than guilt. She rummaged through her dresser until her hand rest on what she had been looking for.

Beca pulled out the box cutter from when she had moved in.

Beca sat on her bed, staring at the blade. She had met people who had cut before and read about it, but Beca had never really understood what would drive someone to do something like that. Staring at the blade, she felt fear, guilt, confusion…but her focus was stuck on the blade. Could she do it?

Without a second thought, Beca pushed her bracelets up and placed the box cutter about an inch from her wrist.

"No going back now." She muttered to herself and then lowered the blade to her wrist and sliced.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two-

The pain wasn't automatic and for a few seconds Beca just stared at the cut, mesmerized as blood started to ooze down her arm. A new feeling washed over Beca, an almost giddy feeling. She wanted more. So much more. Beca sliced into her arm again, then again, and again until eight zig-zag lines criss-crossed down her arm. Beca ached and her wrist felt like it was on fire but she couldn't stop.

The pain felt too good to stop.

Beca forced herself out of bed and to class for the next three weeks. Three weeks of avoiding the Bella's. Three weeks of forcing herself to study. And three weeks of covering her arms.

Her arms had been getting worse and worse and the questions were becoming more and more frequent as the weather got warmer. If this was what college was supposed to be, Beca wasn't sure how she was supposed to survive the next four years.

Chloe called her almost every day as well as Jesse, but Becca couldn't handle the people she cared about being disappointed in her. Especially Chloe.

Beca had successfully managed to push everyone away that she cared about. And she was finally alone.

Trapped in her head.

"Beca! Open the door or I will bust it in!" A familiar Australian voice interrupted Beca's sleep. She groggily sat her head up from her psych textbook and headed towards the door.

"Beca!" Fat Amy's voice pierced through the door, earning a disgusted look from Kimmy Jin. Beca opened the door.

"You rang?" Beca said sharply. Fat Amy just grinned back at her.

"Good! You're alive. Nobody's heard from you in weeks and, ya know, there have been stories in Tasmania of, like, those American colleges with those drug overdoses and…over extreme sex orgies…"

"Did you need something?" Beca cut in. Fat Amy nodded.

"Yes, so, here is the basic thing. We still lost the thing and what not, but Aubrey wants to have a meeting still about something. We texted you days ago but you must have some bad coverage of some sort. I like your ringback tone by the way I don't quite recall how the song goes it mentions, like, Itchy and Scratchy or something I suppose…"

"When's the meeting?" Beca asked Fat Amy, trying not to sound too eager.

"Um, actually if you had checked your messages or texts or fun little voicemails, you would know it's in about ten minutes so…yeah…we should probably…go…like…now…"

"You probably could have told me that at the beginning of the conversation."

"Yeah…I could have…sorry…"

"Does anyone even want me there? I mean it's my fault that the group is over." Beca mumbled a bit.

"Your part of the Bella's. We want you there." Fat Amy said confidently. Beca couldn't help but smile, until reality set back in.

"I don't think I should."

"Beca, no one has seen you in days, you have become a hermit, and you are coming. Okay? Okay." Before Beca could respond, Fat Amy grabbed Beca's wrist and pulled her into the hallway. Beca tried not to cry out as she squeezed a fresh cut. Fat Amy, luckily, didn't notice.

"Let's go. Now."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three-

Fat Amy walked into the auditorium first, which was probably for the best because Aubrey stood up the moment Beca walked in the door.

"Get out."

"Wow, feeling a bit hostile today, aren't we?" Beca snapped. Aubrey continued to glare at her.

"You wanted out. You are out. Good job. This is a closed Bella's rehearsal.

"What are you rehearsing for? I mean seriously." Beca asked.

"For your information we are scheduled to perform for a very important-"

Chloe cut in before Aubrey could finish. "There was a last minute cancelation so we are performing for one of the sorority's party or something like that." Chloe said in a bored tone. Aubrey shot her a look.

Beca laughed. "And you really expect to impress them with a bunch of pop songs from the seventies?"

"Actually, she's right." Cynthia Rose cut in. "I don't want to perform if we are just going to embarrass ourselves again." The rest of the girls nodded in agreement.

"So you want to listen to her? If it hadn't been for her, we could be going on to National's! Does nobody remember that?" Aubrey practically screamed.

Beca rolled her eyes. She was so done with this pathetic fighting over Aubrey's dictatorship. "I see nothing has changed." Beca said cooly. "Still the same old Bella's. Everyone too weak to stand up to Aubrey's dictatorship."

"Weak?" Cynthia Rose stood up and looked straight at Beca. "You're the one who left us."

"Seriously." Stacie added. "You walked away from us and have been hiding in your room for the past few weeks. Who's the weak one now?"

Aubrey smiled smugly at Beca as the rest of the girl's started bashing Beca. Hate pierced through Beca's body. She looked at Chloe, hoping for some sort of comfort or someone to save her, but Chloe just gave her a helpless look and turned away. That broke Beca. "Fuck you all! I don't need this shit! I only came here because I thought that I missed you guys!" Beca exploded. The rest of the girl's just stared at Beca, shocked at the sudden explosion. Beca ran towards the door, tossing one final thought back. "I thought I missed you guys. I guess I was wrong."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four **

"Brilliant, Beca." Beca hissed to herself as the familiar _rip _sensation tingled up her arms. She sliced again, cursing herself as she did so.

"You were so close. So fucking close to getting back in and getting the girls to like you again…" _Slice_. "Getting Chloe back…" _Slice, slice, slice_. "Too bad. She would never love anyone like you anyway. You are a failure. And that is all you will ever be."

Beca heard her phone buzz but paid no attention. She didn't deserve contact with outside world. She didn't deserve love. She didn't deserve anything.

_Failue…failure…failure…nothing…nothing…_

Beca jumped when she heard a thumping sound at the door. It couldn't have been Kimmy Jin, who had a key. That only left...her father. No way was she going to let that asshole in. Beca was about to continue slicing when she heard a small voice.

"Beca, its Chloe. Open up, please."

Chloe? Beca quickly yanked her sleeves down and threw the box cutter under her bed. "Coming!" Beca yelled and made her way to the door. Opening the door, Beca smiled when she saw the red-haired girl. "What's up?"

Chloe looked at Beca, a sad look in her eyes. "I've been calling you all day…" Chloe hesitated for a second and then continued. "Actually, I've been trying to call you for weeks. I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Sure, come on in. Sorry…I've been…busy…" Beca shut the door and gestured to her bed. "Make yourself at home." Beca said brightly. Chloe sat down on the bed and Beca scooted over next to her. Chloe looked at Beca.

"You've been crying." The red-head said softly. "Are you okay?"

Anger suddenly rose through Beca. Where was Chloe when she needed her? When Aubrey was yelling at her? When the girl's turned on her?

_It was all your fault anyway. You deserve to be yelled at. You deserve the pain. _

Beca bit her lip, trying to hold her emotions together. Chloe noticed and grabbed onto her hands, gently. Beca immediately retreated.

"What's wrong, Beca?" Chloe asked. Beca shook her head and looked away.

"I'm fine…I'm just…I don't know." Beca murmured, glancing at her arms. Luckily her long-sleeved black shirt covered up any blood stains seeping through.

"I'm sorry about today." Chloe blurted out.

"Its fine-"

"No, it's not." Chloe clenched dropped Beca's hands. "All those girls were attacking you and I just stood there."

"It was my fault, I deserved it." Beca blurted out before she could stop herself. Chloe looked confused.

"You deserved it?" Chloe asked, concerned.

"Nothing just…nothing."

"Beca, are you sure yo're okay, honey?" Beca's heart leaped when she heard Chloe call her "honey".

"I'm fine." Beca insisted. Chloe starred at the floor for a moment and then glanced up.

"I miss the Old Bella's. So much." Chloe suddenly burst out. "Nobody blames you Beca. You can still continue to next year, Beca. The Bella's can still continue and you have such an amazing voice…"

"Is that why you came over here?" Beca snapped. Chloe shook her head.

"No. I mean I wanted to do this the night of the competition in like a really cute way after we won or something but then everything happened and so I was trying to call you but you didn't answer the phone so I just came over and I'm just going to shut up now and…"

Before Beca could respond Chloe pushed her lips against Beca's.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five **

Beca didn't pull away at first. This was exactly what she had been hoping for. The feelings she had been terrified to share for so long that she was terrified Chloe would hate her for were suddenly all coming true. Beca pulled Chloe closer, and within a few seconds Chloe had pulled Beca on top of her. Chloe wrapped her arms around Beca and started giggling.

"What's so funny?" Beca asked.

"I take it you feel the same way?" Chloe asked.

"I have for a while but I've been-"

"Scared?" Chloe finished. Beca nodded.

"So, I have a question then." Chloe said.

"What?" Beca asked. Chloe kissed Beca's lips then worked her way down to her neck.

"Will you," Chloe kissed her. "Beca Mitchell," Another kiss. "Be my girlfriend?"

"Are you…are you serious?" Beca asked, dumbfounded. "After I fucked up the competition and…I thought you were mad at me. What will Aubrey think?"

"This isn't Aubrey's relationship." Chloe said coolly, giving her another kiss. "And you are successfully avoiding my question."

"Nothing would make me happier." Beca smiled and pulled Chloe closer. "I'd love to."

With a kiss Chloe left the apartment, with promises of dinner the next night. Even with these promising words, Beca couldn't help but feel upset.

Tears were falling down Beca's face before she even realized what she was doing. _Why am I crying? This is what I wanted. I wanted Chloe. And now that Chloe loves me she will convince the other girl's to love me…I'll be back. I won't be a failure. _

"She'll leave me though." Beca whispered into the darkness. "Everyone does."

And why not? Who could possibly love someone so fucked up like her?

"Stop fucking crying!" Beca hissed at herself. "Aren't you supposed to be strong? That's hilarious. So fucking funny."

Without any hesitation, Beca whipped out her blade. She needed to be punished. She needed to feel pain. If no one else was going to give her the pain she deserved, she would have to do it herself.

**R we still on 4 dinner tonight? **

Beca felt her phone vibrate towards the end of her Intro to Philosophy class and managed to sneak a quick look at her text.

Smiling she managed to reply quickly before the professor could notice.

**Sounds gr8. How about u meet at my dorm at 7? **

Beca smiled as she shut her phone. The professor than dismissed the class and Beca managed to gather her stuff up quickly, hurrying back to her dorm to get ready. Beca could feel spring coming and was terrified what to do once the incoming heat grew too much.

After about half an hour of refiling through her clothes, Beca settled on a maroon tank top, black sweatshirt, and a pair of grey skinny jeans. She was just finishing up her eyeliner when she heard a knock at the door.

"Coming." Beca called out in a voice she didn't recognize. This was Chloe. Why was she so nervous?

Beca pulled the door open, astonished at the red-head's beauty. She was wearing a green button-up short sleeved shirt, and skinny light jeans. Chloe beamed at Beca. "You ready?"

Beca nodded. "Let's go!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six-

It was Chloe's idea to go off campus for dinner. While Beca and Chloe weren't ashamed of their relationship one tiny bit, they didn't see any reason for a bunch of homophobic assholes hovering around their relationship, especially in the beginning phases. So they settled on a Mexican restaurant about ten minutes away from campus.

"You look so pretty tonight." Chloe told Beca as they snacked on tortilla chips. Beca hadn't realized how hungry she was. She hadn't been eating well for the past few weeks.

"Gotta make sure I match up to you." Beca winked and continued eating. Chloe laughed.

"Eat up, baby. You are looking skinny lately." Chloe said with a worried tone in her voice. Beca almost laughed. If only she knew what was really good on.

"I've been a bit stressed."

"Understandable." Chloe nodded.

"I never thought I would actually enjoy the Bella's, you know? I mean when you cornered me in the shower that day-"

"Oh, don't make it sound so dirty!"

"I was naked and you wouldn't leave!" Beca laughed.

"Don't pretend you didn't love it." Chloe teased, putting a finger to her lips when they saw the waiter coming. They both placed there orders and, once the waiter left, Chloe took a hold of Beca's hand. To Beca's surprise, she didn't pull away. It felt good.

"So are you happy you joined the Bella's?"

Beca nodded before she could stop herself. "Yeah…it was the first time I ever actually felt accepted. I would try to get close to people at home and…" Beca stopped. "You don't want to hear about this, it's stupid."

"Its fine, Beca." Chloe insisted, her eyes looking at her intently. "You don't have to hide from me."

Beca shook her head. "Tell me more about you. You don't want to hear about me."

Chloe shook her head but spoke anyway. "I have an older brother, younger brother, and kind of just got caught in the middle with my parents and such. But I love my family. I'm fairly close with my family in general and stuff."

"That's nice." Beca smiled. "I can hear it in your voice. You really love them, huh?"

"Don't you?"

Beca shrugged. "My father is more of a drill sergant before anything else." Beca shook her head. "God, I'm just dumping shit on you, aren't I?"

"That's a pretty picture." Chloe teased.

"You know what I mean."

"You're my girlfriend now. I want to be with you for everything. No just the good stuff."

"This is so weird." Beca commented, taking a sip of her drink. "I can't…I don't like anybody seeing me like this. Weak. Disgusting."

"Disgusting?" Chloe looked worried. "Why are you saying this?"

"Sorry, sorry…sorry." Beca murmured, looking down. She'd said too much. She let someone in.

"Beca, what's-"Before Chloe could finish her sentence the food arrived.

They talked about light stuff for the rest of the evening. Music, TV, the professor's possible sexual lives, hidden messages in kid's movies…but Chloe's worrying was far from over.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven-

It was Chloe who suggested going back to her apartment. Aubrey was out for the night, per Chloe's request.

"Wait, does she know you are on a date with me?" Beca asked surprised. Chloe shook her head.

"No." When Beca's face fell Chloe quickly added, "I'm not ashamed, honey. I just don't want her to be bugging us or whatever." Chloe looked at the ground. "In fact, I haven't even told her I was gay yet."

"You haven't?"

Chloe shook her head. "She's my best friend and stuff but I've read too many stories about people who tell their best friends they were gay and got left and I don't know if I could handle that. I mean, I'm sure she wouldn't care but…you never know and…I don't know, what if she kicked me out of the apartment or something?" Chloe laughed a little bit. "Not that I would ever be attracted to Aubrey."

"Ouch. That's something to say about your best friend." Beca teased.

"Not like that." Chloe pulled out her key and smiled. "Give me some credit! I just mean, she's not my type, ya know?"

"Well, than what is your type?" Beca asked as Chloe opened the door. Chloe grabbed a hold of Beca's hand and led her into the apartment complex. It was small, very clearly shared on two college-girl's budget, but that wasn't what Beca saw. Beca saw freedom and a world so separate from the shit in high school. She couldn't wait until she could get out of the dorm that she shared with Kimmy Jin.

"Make yourself comfortable." Chloe said coolly and sat next to Beca on the beat-up couch. "And my type? Hm…" Chloe started playing with Beca's necklace, fingers lightly touching Beca's collar bone. Beca was smiling in anticipation. "I've always enjoyed girls with dark hair. I don't know why. Maybe it's just because blondes have always seemed so…I don't know. Almost too weirdly perfect looking. I like the classy look I see from dark-haired girls. I like dark eyes. They seem mysterious. Girls with a passion for music, and girls that are different from everyone else." Chloe's fingers started trickling down. "Girls will always surprise me." Chloe whispered.

"Chloe…" Beca whispered back. With a smile Chloe leaned in and kissed Beca, her mouth slowly opening a bit as they got more and more comfortable. Beca kissed back without any hesitation, her hands moving down Chloe's body but stopping before the bikini line. Not wanting to push her, especially on the first date, Beca stuck to exploring the top half of her body. Chloe returned the favor.

"Is this too fast for you?" Chloe whispered to Beca. Beca laughed.

"Too slow, honestly. God, you are beautiful." Beca answered, earning her a kiss on the lips.

"Funny, I was just about to the same to you." Chloe told her, moving down towards her neck. Beca pulled away.

"What's wrong?" Chloe asked.

"If we go any longer I won't be able to stop." Beca told her, grinning.

"Ah, you're so mean to me!" Chloe teased but sat up and smoothed out her clothes.

"Want to watch ghetto parodies of Disney movies on Yotube?" Beca asked.

"Well obviously." Chloe replied and pulled out her laptop, cuddling Beca closer to her.

The text from Chloe came the next day; **we are back in the finals!**

Beca immediately called Chloe. "Are you for real?"

"Yeah! Apparently one of the guys in the winning group was in high school and they were disqualified. Actually it's kind of funny because I think that one kid you hang around with…his weird friend like pointed it out or something. I don't really know all the details."

"That's great." Beca paused. "You guys will be amazing."

"Bullshit, Beca. We are doing this together. You are in. Got it?"

"No. You all will be a lot better without me and you know it."

"Can it, Beca. You are my girlfriend. You are going to be in the group with us and we are going to kick serious ass in the finals, okay?"

Beca sighed anxiously, picking at the cuts at her arm. She wanted to go so badly it hurt. But the only one who wanted her there was Chloe. How could she face them after what she had done? All the things she had said…all the things they had said?

Beca hadn't even realized she was bleeding until glancing down at her hand. It was now stained with blood. Apparently she had opened a scab. She gasped before she could stop herself.

"Beca? What's wrong?" Chloe's voice, laced with concern, snapped Beca back to attention.

"Nothing, sorry." Beca reassured her.

"I smell bullshit."

"Are you at a zoo or something?" Beca attempted humor but Chloe's concern remained firm.

"Something's going on with you."

"Please drop it, okay Chloe?" Beca snapped, her voice harsh. Chloe hesitated.

"We need to talk. Can you come by my apartment in about ten minutes?"

"Did I do something?" Beca's voice grew small.

"Of course not, baby. I just need to talk to you."

"Are you mad?" Beca's worry continued.

"Please, I just need to talk to you. Come over. Ten minutes?"

"Okay." Beca tried to keep her voice from shaking.

"I'm really not mad." Chloe insisted.

"Okay. I'll see you in ten." Beca quickly hung up the phone and, without hesitation, gripped onto her tool.

"_A fucking week and she already wants to leave you_." Cut. _"But why should you be surprised?_" Cut. _"You are fat_." Cut. _"Selfish and pointless_." Cut. _"Of course everyone leaves you_." Cut. _"No one will ever love you. And the sooner you realize that, the sooner you will be able to accept the meaningless black hole you call your life_."

Beca was thirty minutes late. Normally, Chloe would just assume she was running a bit late or perhaps got lost or something, but with the way Beca had been acting lately…Chloe was not taking any chances.

She made it to Beca's dorm in a record time of six minutes, and quickly banged the door as hard as she could. It could have been nothing…but Chloe had a bad feeling. "Beca!"

Beca sat there for a second, contemplating her next move. If she didn't answer the door Chloe would overreact and get other people involved…but if she answered the door…

Beca yanked her black sweatshirt down her wrists and quickly wiped up some of the blood on the table with her sleeve, pushing the tool under her bed. "Coming!" She yelled, opening up the door and forcing a smile. "Hi, honey." Beca said brightly. Chloe smiled back.

"Are you okay, honey? You look…your eyes are red. Have you been crying?" Chloe asked.

"No…no…just a little tired I guess."

"Please don't lie to me." Chloe told Beca, grabbing onto her hands. "Do you want to sit down?"

"Okay." Beca agreed and they both sat down on her comforter, Chloe still holding on tightly to her hands.

"It's not anything bad, honey. Don't be stressed out."

"Well, you said you wanted to talk…that's usually the kiss of death." Beca admitted to Chloe. Chloe pulled Beca's hands to her lips and kissed them gently, Beca still focusing on Chloe's eyes.

"I wanted to talk because I was worried about you. You are isolated, looking thinner, saying all these negative things about yourself…" Chloe in one swift movement, pulled Beca's hands up to her eyes, her sleeves sliding down a bit to reveal the fresh cuts. Beca's heart sank.

"Also you have dried blood on your hands. Now, please tell me what is going on before I start crying. Okay, baby?"


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight-

Beca's lips trembled. "Please don't be mad."

"I just need to know what is going on." Chloe said coolly glancing at Beca's hands, her eyes widening as she saw the exposed cuts on her wrist. "Start explaining. Now."

"Please. Don't." Beca begged, tears already starting to hit her cheeks. "Don't do this to me."

"Beca…" Chloe hesitated. "Please roll down your sleeve."

"I'm not going to hurt you. You aren't ready to see it." Beca said forcefully.

"Beca, I'm already terrified that you hurt yourself in any way and if I don't see the damage I'm only going to think the worst." Chloe said calmly, forcing tears back. She needed to be strong…needed to be strong for the fragile girl she saw sitting in front of her.

"No. I won't show you."

"Why not?" Chloe demanded.

"I didn't mean for it to get this far, okay?" Beca yanked her hands down from Chloe's grip. "No one else can be let in, alright? This is my nightmare, my…my…okay…fine! My _problem_. And I'll be damned if my girlfriend has to be included in this hellhole that is now my life. You don't deserve to feel this shit."

"You're trying to protect me?" Chloe asked.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"I'm trying to do the same thing. Now, show me." Chloe snapped. Beca curse silently under her breath as the tears started to flow freely out of her eyes. _Weak, pathetic tears…_

"Please don't be mad at me." Beca muttered quietly. Chloe reached over and began gently rubbing her back.

"It's okay. I won't be mad. I just need to see."

Avoding eye contact with Chloe, Beca slowly rolled up her right sleeve first, revealing the least amount of damage, and then the left sleeve. Chloe held in a gasp.

It was much worse then she had imagined. Criss-crosses of red lines, white lines, pink lines, and some deep slashes that were still dripping with blood laced across her arms, starting at her wrist and continuing up towards the top of her elbow. There was hardly any skin that hadn't been touched by Beca's blade.

"Baby…oh God…Beca…" Chloe was at a loss for words. Every sentence in her head sounded wrong for the situation. "What have you done to yourself?"

Beca looked Chloe dead in the eye. "I deserved it."

"What?"

"I deserved it." Beca's eyes darkened into a frightening cold glare that Chloe had never seen before. "I'm a monster. A bitch. A terrible person who ruins everyone's life that she touches and doesn't deserve happiness or love or…God, Chloe, even you!" Beca subconsciously started picking at one of her scabs, blood continuing to stain her hand.

"Beca, Beca, STOP!" Chloe grabbed onto Beca's hand and pulled it away from her arm. "You are none of those things. You are a beautiful and amazing person. How can you see that?"

"Hard to see something that isn't there." Beca spat out between tears. Chloe's heart ached as she stared at the dark haired girl that had always been so strong, completely broken down with tears streaming down her face, cuts covering her arms, and a terrified look in her eyes.

"Come here, Beca." Chloe ordered gently. Without any hesitation, Beca obeyed and scooted closer to Chloe. Chloe then wrapped her arms around Beca and pulled her closer. To Chloe's surprise, Beca didn't resist, and, in fact, rested onto Chloe.

"I don't deserve you." Beca whispered as Chloe lay herself flat on the bed, cuddling Beca closer to her.

"Bullshit. If anything, I don't deserve you." Chloe brushed Beca's hair out of her face and cradled her closer. The younger girl's body shook with sobs and with each sob Chloe held her closer.

"You're so beautiful, and great with singing, and have friends, good people skills…God, you are kind of perfect, Chloe." Beca said. Chloe lightly kissed the top of her head.

"You're original, you're beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, and far too amazing to be suffering with these demons."

"It's my fault. I brought it on myself."

"Don't say that." Chloe snapped. "Don't ever say that. There is some sort of problem, a demon you have to deal with. You didn't bring this on yourself. I know you. You must be really suffering."

Beca remained silent as Chloe brushed her hair back, a lot like how Beca's mom used to…when she was still around.

"We'll get throught this. Together. I won't leave you because of this. I will never leave you. Alright? We will get through this."

Chloe held onto Beca until the young girl's shaking slowly relaxed and her eyes shut. The poor girl had tired herself out from crying. Chloe shut her eyes as well, never letting go of Beca.

And that's how Aubrey found them.

"What. The. Fuck." Aubrey greeted the girl's when she walked through the door, keys falling to the floor. While Chloe was awaken by this, Beca only stirred a bit.

"Aubrey, shut up. Let her sleep." Chloe hissed at Aubrey. She could sense in Aubrey meltdown approaching and gently shook Beca off of her.

"Don't leave me." Beca murmured, her eyes staying shut.

"I'll be right back, baby. I have to…go to the bathroom."

"Okay." Beca agreed and curled into a ball, looking so young and vulnerable. Chloe dragged Aubrey to the bathroom and locked the door.

"Don't you dare yell." Chloe warned Aubrey.

"Explain. Now." Aubrey demanded.

"Well…what you saw…Beca's my girlfriend." Chloe finally admitted. Aubrey stared at her for a moment. Chloe tried to decode the expression on her face. Hate? Disgust? Anger?

"You're…you're gay?" Aubrey asked in almost a whisper.

Chloe took a deep breath. "Yes. Yes, I'm gay."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Aubrey asked.

"I…"

"I mean, I'm your best friend. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Are you mad?"

"Oh, Chloe." Aubrey grabbed onto her hands. "I'm only mad because you didn't tell me. I mean, seriously. We've been bet friends for almost four years and you couldn't trust me with that?"

"I was afraid of losing you." Chloe admitted.

Aubrey shrugged. "Yeah…I may be uptight and all of that stuff but I would never throw away and amazing friendship with someone just because they were gay. I love you, Chloe. You're my best friend and nothing will ever change that, okay?" Aubrey paused. "Now…with that being said, you couldn't have chosen anyone besides her?"

"Aubrey…" Chloe warned. Aubrey paid no attention.

"Her attitude is for shit, she ruined our chances at becoming champions …"

"Well, we're continuing anyway, aren't we?"

"She has no regard or respect for anyone but herself and I swear to God if this girl hurts you I will rip her in half."

"There's more to her then you know, okay Aubrey?"

"If she hurts you…" Aubrey shook her head.

"She's not."

"How can you be so sure?" Aubrey demanded.

"I trust her." Chloe said, proudly.

Aubrey sighed. "I just feel you deserve better."

Chloe smiled a bit. "Aubrey, I have not been this happy in a long time. Beca is exactly what I've been looking for."

"She's not getting back in the Bella's just because you're dating her." Aubrey snapped.

"So now you're the only one in charge of the Bella's? Shit Aubrey!"

"We are better without her. Please don't fight with me about this." Aubrey glanced at her watch. "We have Bella rehearsal tomorrow. If I don't go to bed now, my vocal cords will be a mess. We can finish this conversation tomorrow." Aubrey thought for a moment. "Please don't have sex with Beca tonight, you need to rest too."

"So she can stay for a while?" Chloe asked, eagerly.

"I suppose." Aubrey smiled. "If it makes you happy, I guess. Just please don't be too…loud."

"Fine, fine." Chloe grinned and practically ran back to Beca. Aubrey waited until she was gone to groan.

"It had to be her." Aubrey mumbled and headed to her bedroom. "Couldn't be anyone else…"


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine-

Beca stood outside the auditorium, terrified. Even though Chloe had invited her, she felt as though she didn't belong there.

On one bleacher it looked like Stacie and Cynthia Rose were half wrestling, half screwing, Chloe and Aubrey practically killing each other on another, and then Lilly rolling in vomit on the floor. Without thinking, Beca ran in.

"Guys! Guys, stop! What is going on?"

"Nothing!" Aubrey snapped, quickly letting go of Chloe who gave Beca a helpless look. "This is a Bella's rehearsal."

"Aubrey, can it!" Chloe growled at Aubrey.

"No. Just because you have taken her under your wing to be her little mentor does not mean I have to be nice to her. She messed up. And that, is her problem." Aubrey snapped.

Beca sighed. "I know I messed up and I just wanted to say…that I'm sorry, okay? What I did was a really dick move and yelling at you guys after was just immature and I regret it. I let you guys down and…I really love you guys so that hurts. A lot. And, Aubrey, if you will let me back in, I want back in."

Aubrey sat, saying nothing, a cold look on her face. Beca sighed and grabbed onto her chair. She knew the drill. It was time for her to officially leave. To finally be out of the group. The only place she belonged.

She started pulling the chair, reluctantly.

"Wait!" Aubrey finally burst out. At first Beca thought she had imagined the call but when she turned back, the blonde girl was staring at her, looking guilty.

"Beca, I know I've been hard on you, okay? I know that I've been hard on everyone here. But I am my father's daughter. And he always said, 'if at first you don't succeed, pack your bags.'"

Aubrey hung her head and started to leave. The girl's looked at each other in surprise. They had never seen Aubrey this vulnerable. Beca finally spoke up.

"I get it. Mine, um, gets on me too. Not like that, but…I guess we don't know much about each other." Beca then looked around. "About most of you, actually."

Stacie then stood up, excited to get into the conversation. "Well, I'll confess to something that none of you really know about me. I have a lot of sex."

"Yeah, we know." Fat Amy interjected.

"Only because I just told you."

"Well, this is a good idea." Beca said cheerily. "That was…a pretty bad example, but this is a good idea. Why don't we all go around the room and we all say something about ourselves that nobody else knows."

"Okay, I got something." Cynthia Rose stood up. "This is hard for me to admit to you guys."

The rest of the girl's stood around and smiled at each other. They all knew exactly what was coming.

"I think we all know where this is going." Fat Amy whispered and then looked up at Cynthia Rose. "Lesbihonest."

"Well…for the last two years, I've had a serious gambling problem." Cynthia said.

Everyone stared at her in shock.

"What?"

"What?"

Chloe leaned over and whispered in Beca's ear, "Do you want to tell them?"

"What?"

"Do you want to tell them about us?"

Beca hesitated. "Do you?"

"I'm proud of you. I love you. I want people to know." Chloe whispered.

"I don't want them to know yet. It's too early in the relationship." Beca gently touched her hand, trying to keep it discrete. "I don't want people to judge so early. Let's wait."

"If you are sure." Chloe nodded and they both turned back to the conversation, where Fat Amy was speaking.

"I'm an open book, I mean, for God's sake you guys all call me Fat Amy. See, I guess I'm just not really living if I'm 100% honest." Fat Amy hesitated for a moment and then choked out, "And my real name is Fat Patricia."

"What about you, Beca?" Aubrey asked and all the girl's turned to her.

"Okay…I…" Beca stared at the ground, subconsciously rubbing her arms. She wanted to tell them, she wanted to tell them so badly. They were her sisters…they would accept her, wouldn't they? She could do it…she could…

"Could we come back to me?" Beca said, sighing. She knew she couldn't tell them. Not then anyway.

Not yet.

"I'm going to mess it up." Beca said into the phone, a worried look on her face.

"Please, Beca. You're not." Chloe insisted, sounding distant a bit. "I promise you."

"I mess up everything. Everything in my life. I'm going to mess up just like I have been my whole life and I'll lose you and my friends…"

"Beca, please. It will be fine, I promise. Now, hold on, I have to get back to class. I'll be at my apartment in about twenty minutes. Can you hang on until then?"

"I'm sorry." Beca said into the phone, pushing her hair back a bit, nervously. "My episodes are so fucking annoying, I know."

"Baby, we are going to figure this out, okay? Just breathe. We should probably look into you seeing a therapist or something though because while I love helping you and being there for you, I don't really know how to help you all the time."

"If it will make you happy…I'll try to get some help."

"Good girl." Chloe told her. "I have to go now. Twenty minutes, okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you."

"I love you too." Beca hung up the phone, and got her I-pod out. She needed to distract herself.

She hated the depression episodes more than anything. She had been having an amazing week and she was back in the Bella's and in a few days they would be competing again…but she was crying.

And she had no idea why.

"It's because I'm weak…" Beca muttered to herself, switching the music on, trying to sink into her headphones. "It's because I'm weak. I'm a wimp. A bitch."

Beca ripped off her headphones. She had promised herself she wouldn't go it any more but…

Beca pulled out her razor from under her pillow, rolling up her sleeve in a very familiar ritual. She knew what she was doing. She was far too used to it.

Her arm was cluttered with scratches; cuts and neat little marks all up and down from wrist to almost her shoulder. She was running out of space to make marks. She managed to find a spot and watched as the blood spilled down her arm. She watched, fascinated. Then she sliced again. And again.

"Fuck." Beca muttered, crying. "Fuck."

She needed to talk to someone.

Chloe.

Covering up her arms with a sweatshirt, Beca ran over to the apartment she had become so familiar with. She raced up the stairs and banged her fists on Chloe's door.

"I'm coming, I'm coming, chill." Beca heard Aubrey yell from behind the door. She heard someone fumble with the lock and then Aubrey stepped out.

"Oh, shocker. Don't you live here?" Aubrey snapped out of habit, although she softened when she saw Beca's tear-stained face. "Beca, what happened?"

"Is Chloe here?" Beca asked, even though she knew she wasn't. Class wouldn't end for another ten minutes or so.

"No, she's still in class. Um, do you want to come in?" Aubrey asked awkwardly.

"Yeah." Beca agreed, stepping inside, sitting down on the couch.

"Do you want something to eat or drink?"

"No thanks." Beca started shaking her leg as Aubrey stood by awkwardly.

"Are you hot?" Aubrey asked, referring to her jacket.

"No, I'm fine." She lied.

"You're sweating." Aubrey pointed out.

"It's fine."

"Is something wrong?"

"Please just…stop." Beca snapped.

Aubrey looked at Beca. "Can I see something?"

"What?" Beca instinctively flinched her arm towards her, leaving a small spot of blood on the couch. Small, but Aubrey still noticed it.

"Are you bleeding?"

"No, that must have been there when I got here." Beca stood up. "I can just come back later for Chloe." She started for the door.

"No. Sit."

"Aubrey, don't fuck with me. You don't even know me."

"Beca…"

"Please stop." Beca yelled as Chloe walked in.

"Beca?" Chloe asked, seeing the look on the girl's face. "What's going on?"

"Chloe, Beca comes in and she's bleeding and…"

"That spot was there before, I told you!" Beca told Aubrey. Aubrey gave Chloe a pained look.

"You're bleeding, baby?" Chloe asked. Beca nodded. "Oh, God…"

"I'm sorry." Beca said.

"Come here." Chloe sighed and gestured for Beca to take her hand. "We are going to figure this out." Chloe said and turned to Aubrey. "Aubrey, don't you have a class soon?" Chloe said.

"I…" Chloe turned away from Beca and mouthed at Aubrey, "I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah, in fact I might be late." Aubrey lied, walking out of the apartment. "I'll be back in an hour." She warned.

"Why'd you cut, hun?" Chloe turned to Beca.

"I'm sorry."

"Apologize to yourself, baby." Chloe sighed. "Did this just happen?"

"About twenty minutes ago."

"Okay, let's clean you up, baby." Chloe said and lead Chloe to the bathroom. "Take off your sweatshirt."

Beca hesitated and then slowly took of hoodie off, causing Chloe to make a small squeaking noise, like she was trying not to cry out.

"Okay. Well, let's see…" Chloe muttered and reached into one of the bathroom drawers. "I think we might have some gauze or something kind of…" Chloe yanked out a small thing of gauze. "Sorry, we don't really buy this." Chloe said and pulled out a box of Band-Aids. "This isn't going to be the best, but, sorry, I'm a theater major, not nursing." Chloe grabbed a washcloth of the counted and ran it under the water for a few seconds. "Okay, I don't have any cream or anything fancy like that, so we are going to have to stick to water for now." Chloe gently pressed the washcloth against Beca's cuts, causing Beca to whimper.

"Shit." Beca muttered, trying to not cry out.

"I'm sorry, honey. It's going to sting a bit." Chloe pulled the wash cloth off and glanced at the cuts. "Honey, I think some of these may need stitches."

"And get more people involved? No, thank you." Beca snapped.

"But they might get infected." Chloe protested.

"I'll be fine just…please, I can't get them looked at by a doctor. They'll know what they're from and probably try to lock me up or something."

Chloe thought for a moment. "Okay." She placed the washcloth back on. The cloth was beginning to darken with blood as Chloe thought. "I won't take you to the emergency room, against my better judgment, if you do one thing for me."

"What?"

"I don't trust you in a room with whatever you are using to cut. I want it. I want to physically have it so I know you aren't cutting to hurt yourself."

Beca's face fell. Cutting had become a part of her daily life…how could she just give it up like that? "I…"

"Do you care about me?"

"Of course, Chloe. I love you. You know that."

"You're scaring me." Chloe gently lifted the washcloth off Beca's arm and began to wrap gauze around her worst cuts. "And you don't want me to be worried about you, right? Because…this is really stressing me out."

"Gee, sorry I'm such a burden." Beca snapped.

"Don't take it like that, okay? Have I not been there for you through all of this? It would have been so easy to just leave, but I love you more than I think you know. Please…could you just do this for me?"

Chloe finished bandaging Beca up and then kissed her forehead. "I don't want to see you hurting, baby. Could you at least try?"

Beca hesitated, a million thoughts racing through her head. Beca sighed, finally. "I'll try. But not promises, okay?"

"All I want is for you to try."

Beca hesitated. "I…" Chloe pulled Beca in, wrapping her arms around Beca. Chloe's touch broke Beca.

"Oh…Okay. Okay." Beca gave in and Chloe kissed her forehead.

"That's my girl."


End file.
